I'm at his house. He has VELCRO shoes. I'm too desperate to leave...I may need help in thee life dept
Is it bad that when I see babies I feel bad for them because its going to be forever until they are 21?
He did the "not my house dance." Apparently it involves spreading cereal on the floor and then grinding into the carpet in bare feet while singing "not my house" over and over and dancing.
pre-gaming in the library. just gonna keep going until i'm too drunk to keep working and then i'll be there.
What ever happened to the whole 'innocent until proven guilty' thing. Like 'not pregnant until proven pregnant'. That's how it should be...
Was my shirt on fire at any point last night? Because I'm fairly sure my shirt was on fire.
It's awesome, he has so much more free time now that he's not screwing other girls behind my back
He was just lying on my lap in the backseat screaming how if the cops came he was a blanket.
You also hate cartoons and musicals, so I will take that to mean the movie was as awesome as I thought it was..smoke weed
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
You're best friend just tackled me....naked....brought me to his room where he had freshly baked cinnamon rolls. I didn't know he could cook
i am rolling on molly so fucking hard i want to do 300 cartwheels
All I got was pictures of my boss and dicks. So, that was the end of snapchat.
So it turns out high me is very efficient. I set 5 alarms to remind me to do things, i made mac and cheese, and i wrote a poem. I'm going places.
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
Randomize
