mom took my condoms, found one in the trash the next day
I know she was great
terrible decisions. terrible terrible terrible decisions.
who'd you have sex with.
I am officially out of liquor stores within a 15 mile radius that don't recognize me as soon as I walk in the door.
Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
I really need to find a new way to reward you other than head scratches, nutella and blowjobs.
Your roommates boyfriend just approached me while I was working to tell me about the staph infection he got on his face. Where do you find these people?
No more fucking baseball tools. Walk-of-shamed home in only a pinstriped jersey and a Red Sox SnapBack.
It was either the harsh truths I was divulging or the liquor..... But either way, I made mom puke
He actually offered up a silent prayer thanking God for my "tremendous ass." You tell me how my night is going.
I almost bumped into a man wrapped only in a blanket at 10 am
Your mom won me $100 and you showed me your tits. Solid evening.
I wore wrist and ankle weights while we had sex. Does that count as working out?
Just responding to the most professional request I've ever gotten to get shitfaced.
You make me want to do things that I'm pretty sure are illegal.
Why are we so out going and care free I can't wait for maturity to kick in so we stop having 700 dollar bar tabs
Randomize
