Just come over and take your pants off. 35 mins tops. You'll be home before midnight cinderella
I don't make the first move. Ever. Unless were playing monopoly cause that's my shit
that was probably me. ive bitten a lot of people.
so i literally woke up after a night of doing lines to a bag of pretzels falling off my bed. a reminder that maybe this is a contributing factor to my freshman 15.
Just did a keg stand the dropped my phone in the toilet. Sorry for partying.
You did a keg stand on the toilet?!
How do we turn this unicorn pinata into a bong?
She said I'm so hungry I could eat a dick and winked at me
I ate icecream cake off your tits for my birthday, if that's not love I don't know what is.
We had sex on the bear rug. He said "you, me and the bear. This is bear-idise"
If you ever feel goofy just think of the fact that I just shaved the batman symbol into my pubes
There's just something so liberating about drinking a beer with no pants on
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
Self care is breaking into nasa and launching yourself directly into the fucking void
I think I had Hypothermia but was too drunk to notice.
last night you said that you wanted to hold my dick as you slept because it was like having a stuffed animal.
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