They use the phrase "final warning" so often the words have lost all meaning.
her orgasm sounded like a fucking walrus crying.
about to try to wax my asshole... wish me luck
Do you think unemployment will give me a christmas bonus?
Upperdeckered the toilet. Took sombrero off, drawing too much heat. Witnessed glassing. In bush, come findme.
I mean looking back on it, it's unlucky but at least now we can say we were in jail from 2011 to 2012
That's thinking positively..
Scary. I thought trees were a lie and that someone ha permanently stenciled them into my life. No joke.
You were buying shots for everyone, saying, "I got a tax refund. I'm a MILLIONAIRE."
He made me brush his hair afterwards because it made him feel like a ken Barbie.
God I hope the sex was good.
Dude. The amount of love and appreciation from a house full of stoners when you come home at 4 am with donuts is overwhelming. The kind of love to make Jesus have to work a little harder at his unconditional love thing.
Would it be wildly inappropriate for me to tailgate a Jonas brothers concert?
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
fuck whipped cream. I'd eat vegetables off those abs
They should make eskimo sister bracelets. OMG WE NEED BRACELETS WITH IGLOOS ON THEM.
The guy I hooked up with last night left me alone with his dog AND IT JUST SHIT ON THE FLOOR. WHAT DO I DO
Randomize
