i just licked mashed potatoes off my blackberry. i'm not even ashamed to admit that to you.
He corrected me on my grammar when I came. Fuck English majors.
When you get home we need to compare our schedules and set up masturbation slots. I'm scares of you walking in on me. Again.
I got spanked with a cardboard tube. Apparently he used to be a percussionist. Who favored marching band tunes. It was weird.
He knows as soon as he hits chameleon eye status drunk, he is guaranteed to piss the bed we NEED to push him there
It's alright she couldn't hear you. Her legs were over her ears
you know what would be perfect? if you flew in on a horse/cat holding taco bell and then you swooped me up and took me to disney world and it was magical
Yeah I went home with her... She had me take off everything but my shirt and from across the room goes, "Now dance. Just dance that dick over here"
The lady at walmart just said she is so happy im still alive....Was i that drunk on the 4th? Dont answer that
He got an erection from helping me mobilize my lumbar spine. I love physical therapy school.
You have got to be the only man who has passed out while getting a lap dance.
I probably shouldn't be taking relationship advice from my side piece...
You where banging on the wall asking us where we hid the door...you then crawled under the deck thinking you'd be safe. I told you to eat the nachos before the party...I told you.....
She got a boob job, dumped her husband, became a stripper, got a DUI in her Porsche and is now dating her lawyer
I’m making her my life coach if med school doesn’t work out
Too high to wash a dish but just high enough for a kitchen fire
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