tod's in jail
he was afraid of holiday checkpoints so we let him ride my mom's tandem bike home. by himself. at 4 am.
it's like there's an entire ecosystem in your vagina.
I'm 99% sure that for 3 hours I thought you were British. We must smoke that again.
Still in Rome. Hooked up with frat boy from SoCal that's studying abroad. He said he was 1/8 italian. I'll take it.
I took a few sips of my hugeee bottle of liquid Vicodin and smoked my one hitter and now I'm going thru my attic like Indiana Jones
I'm cuddling with a baby pig and drinking champagne right now.
my grandpa is going down the line on this prom picture, and telling me how big everyone's nipples are... he was spot on for me.
By the time the opening band finished, she was already slurring, coming on to the gay couple next to us, and waving her panties in the air.
Like real life can suck my metaphorical dick right now.
If my mom's not going to offer me drugs then it's really pointless for me to be here.
I'm going to make you a sign to put on your penis to ward others off
Anyone would get lost in that field after that much vodka. Trust me... I kind of feel like superman considering I even made it home. Most people would've been face down in a random oilfield. Not this guy.
In what world does 'I'm awake' at 2:30 in the morning on a wednesday translate to 'let's fuck' in the span of one text? Where has the romance gone?
I can't be sure but I think I slept with a clown last night...
Im sorry for telling you id rather jump into traffic than date you again. I didnt mean to be so rude
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