I'll probably hate you when I'm sober
you may be an alcoholic when your drug dealer calls to yell at you for drinking too
I just puked into a plastic bag at a red light. Go me.
you got thrown out for pissing in a cup in the corner. you told one guy it was okay because you went to college and that he wouldn't understand
i caught him jerking off, doing his SAT Prep. forever alone.
The bloodstain in the garden looks like a sad face. Like I don't already know this is bad...
OK WHO CHANGED MY RING TONE TO LADY AND THE TRAMP AND CHANGED EVERY CONTACT IN MY PHONE TO 'SOME GUY I FUCKED'?
Double vision is so hot when a big dick is in sight. Thank you Bud Light.
This whole bra on the outside of my shirt thing is so convenient. It turns my shirt into a pocket to eat Fritos out of. Mmm boobies
I'm at the hospital waiting for my sister to push out her kid. I think I'll roam the halls and shame all the teenage mothers.
I have the best idea for a new business. It's going to be called "Lamb-Scape". We are going to cut lawns using lambs. You just put 5 or 6 on a lawn and they eat the grass #allnatural
YOU SAID YOU WERE OUT OF POT
..........
Literally just inhaled three cinnamon rolls. Sara is staring. It was inhuman
Do you ever just feel like you can feel hormones radiating from your uterus?
I've been watching porn with my cat lately. No shame
Like people might wonder why I put up with your puns. You give good head and play with my hair
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