I'm so over stopping myself from talking about my sexual experiences in front of children.
Im watching him eat cream cheese and hot dog buns.
we were running to make last call and you stopped me and said very seriously "if i fall, go on without me. just make sure theres a beer in my hand when you go"
Sean getting laid is an anomaly, Sean banging the hottest single girl at the wedding is a fucking unicorn being ridden by a leprechaun walking through mordor.
And by defning the relationship I mean telling him I'm gonna fuck other people but its cool If he does the same.
At tuba camp, the pickings are slim. It's like being the tallest midget.
My day in three words: secret purse cake
I don't fucking know. I'm out stimulating the economy. Not locked in a room with a marker board.
Oh at the liquor store again?
I don't know if I should feel proud or ashamed of myself...ashamed for making myself a drink at 6:15am or proud for actually being awake that early.
Who would you rather hang with tonight, drunk me or high me?
So I totally had sex In a teepee last night at that wedding reception.
THAT BEAUTIFUL FACE AND HEAVENLY LIGHTING IS NOT HELPING THE NOT DEAD POINT HOW DO I NOT KNOW YOU ARE NOT TEXTING ME FROM THE AFTERLIFE
The after life smells like latex gloves and hand soap
I have no idea what to do with myself since we graduated.
I've just been napping and sexting all day.
I felt like a slutty ass cruella devil driving your old car, And I got in a fight with your wipers
Liz Cheney wasn’t exactly on my list of women I expected to be saying “YAS QUEEN” for in 2021 but here we are
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