the bitch is dead man
YOUR DOG DIED?
no i meant my mom has passed out .. so i'll be over soon.
We almost didn't get a second pitcher, but now we're getting a sixth.
I'm still with the girl from last night. remember to call me conrad and that i work for PETA
I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
Apparently i was peeing on things and marking my territory. I broke their light socket too. Needless to say im banned from their apartment.
I really shouldn't have to apologize. It was your own damn fault for opening a tab at the bar and telling me about it.
On my way, five mins. Is the line long? Do you think they will they hold a pumpkin at coat check?
It's the happiest looking penis I've ever seen. It should have a top hat and a spectacle on and soft shoe across the room with a cane. He's a cheery little feller.
Possibly having a threesome with my ex boyfriend and his current girlfriend was great closure on that subject
painting my nails while super high-drunk. Ended up painting my entire hands. Both.
I laid naked in his bed as he brought me an ice cream sandwich so I would say everything worked out great
My blue shorts are now brown from all the stripper fake tan
Is there a lightning bolt coming out of your boner right now?!
Everyday this week I have woken up to a different dick pic. It's like a dick pic a day calendar!
There's a difference tho. *I* drink at seven in the morning because I work graveyards. YOU drink at seven in the morning cause you're an alcoholic.
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