connan obrien reminds me of an asparagus spear
You should have seen her outfit yesterday. It was like pretty woman before Richard Gere gave her money to buy a new outfit.
When I got to his place, he served wine and cheese and made me sit on the balcony while he read his poetry to me. He cockblocked himself.
recycled a plan b box. kill a baby. save a tree.
I never kept track of who else he slept with. You think I have the time or the energy to keep track of every dick in my life?
I woke up with cheeseburger in my mouth and a deep sense of accomplishment.
I just found what appears to be a tooth in my purse...anybody missing one?
We get an extra hour of sleep. That means we can take an extra shot tonight. Sound logic. Thank you daylight savings.
Dude I introduced the hot Russian girl to the hot Ukrainian girls. I am a UN ambassador
Nhl reached an agreement. I plan on getting me some celebratory sex from a hockey player.
I'm trying to seductively eat these M&M's to let her know its on
As a heterosexual male nursing student, the odds are ever in my favor. My first semester has basically been The Horny Games. I've killed almost all of the competitors at this point.
We met some guy at the beach, and dug a hole with him. He invited us to "come back at night and smoke a blunt in this hole"
Once again, your first date sounds like something of an epic. Odysseus' Quest for Fourth Base.
How was the tequila? Are you making bad decisions yet?
Randomize
