I feel like I just won at life, no connection sex and free 12 pack of beer after. Does life give out trophies, if so I want a big one.
Different chick, same blowjob, same parking lot.
Found a phone last night. Hope "daddy" gets picture messages
Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
Using manwich sauce as ketchup. Not bad. Love college.
I wasn't hungover this morning. My head just hurt because someone tried to suction cup a dildo to my forehead.
Happiness is the polar opposite of catching your dad watching holiday themed porn
How am I supposed to be friends with him when there's an exact replica of his dick in my underwear drawer?
I saw Nicolas Cage's face in the moon. Those were good shrooms.
I forced myself to puke in my garbage can, and the next day I bought a new one and burnt the old one. You could say it was a rough night
Beans, may the odds of a nip slip and drunken make out session be ever in your favor
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
Bourbon is too strong for my cat, he does not want to drink it
He fucked my brains out then fed me cheese and peanut butter. I might be in love.
Hhhaaa He said Peanutburter disinfect lol. Like peanut butter can disinfect stuff. None of those guys are safe
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