there's a guy on campus handing out business cards. you pay him to see if your girlfriend will cheat. the company name is "tying up loose ends"
And i laid in the yard with carrots on my chest cause i wanted a bunny
It's always a surprise to see what songs I shazamed and downloaded last night while we were drunk at the bar.
It's only 10 in the morning...josh is already on the way to the ER for trying to shotgun a beer with a sparklers sticking out of it on fire.
Picture this: me driving down 183 throwing up into a towel. I just hit rock bottom.
I'm watching people hook up tonight who, when they wake up tomorrow, are going to wish they were blind.
She left me naked in my bed and without my phone I had her give me her phone number on the calculator on my laptop. It might be fake.
All I could think of during that funeral was how great I look in a suit, how creepy catholics are, and how horny I am.
At least I look tastefully trashed. My nipples are hidden and I'm standing up.
I almost itched my nose with the lit end of a cigarette. Help.
You've never even broken a bone. You singlehandedly disprove natural selection
be warned: you might find a baby hampster in my bra
I'm going to take a nap so I don't feel like a stripper sneezed in my mouth tomorrow morning at work.
I COULD BREAK CONCRETE WITH MY FOOTBALL ERECTION.
I just want to eat chicken fingers and drink beer and smoke in bed with my laptop so I can watch Netflix
So your not doing THAT great with the break up then...
Randomize
