I've decided that I only have enough money to either eat or drink over the next month. I'm sure you know what choice I've made.
having to delete all your hookups stored in your phone as first name followed by frat/bar after they've graduated is such a bittersweet feeling
I don't care that you fucked her. I'm offended that once again, you fucked someone with me in the room because you assumed I was asleep.
you two really need to work out your issues. my vagina can't handle another week of your pent up frustrations.
We invited our waitress tonight to come too.... we told her she had lightning in her veins and in return she taught us a Texas Roadhouse dance so the logical next step was invite her to a kegger.
Well he just said "there's glass on the floor and it's okay I'm only bleeding out of my esophagus" so yes he's tripping
New brilliant plan: invite two random okcupid girls to the same bar at the same time, have them compete
Downside to Halloween: you can't tell if the guy dressed as Gene Simmons from KISS that keeps flirting with you is hot or not...I decided to err on the side of caution and assume not...
You better keep a close eye on your uterus tonight cause I am looking good.
I was mid hand job and stopped me because he wanted to "connect" which meant putting his thumb in between my eyebrows and a hand over my heart and closing our eyes...
Happy Birhtday!
Dad, it's 3am and it's not my birthday... wherever you are, go home
You don't understand. On her lunch break she sits on the roof, stares into the sky, and chain smokes. I can't get on her level. She is made up of java monsters with whiskey and a voice that sounds like sex.
You need to stop crushing on your boss or fuck her.
Your boyfriend being in jail is really helping my social life! #GotASingleDrinkingBuddyAgain
I don't know why this person would ask for help. It sounds pretty OK to me. Also, I'd steal those bagpipes.
I Projectile vomited a massive question mark on Brent's bedroom wall. Don't tell him it was me. I want him to play the whodunit game.
Randomize
