i just had sex bonerless
she was bad bro. like...id rather put my dick in a blender. twice.
the guy i hooked up with is asleep on our couch. please dont fuck him.
he said 'i love fucking you, ashley'. it was the most romantic thing he's said during sex because he actually used my name.
He showed up 3 hours late wearing roller skates and acted like nothing was wrong with that.
I just sold some kid a bong I made out of a vuvuzela for $50. I think I found my career path.
I was just told that i'm a premature cuddler. . . What does that even mean?
Whatever it is you failed
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
I feel a five day drunk coming on.
The trashcan full of everclear punch caught on fire...you should probably come home now.
Relaxed was like phase 1 of this phase 7 high
I'm adopting to save the world from the moral outrage that would be my offspring
He got me to hold his phone, wallet, keys and pants while he hooked up with another girl.
Someone fucked a stripper in their rental car, there is goddamn glitter everywhere.
Nah, we’re just sitting around talking about different kinds of boners
Randomize
