You should get sea herpes
I mean sea horses
i was puking in the toilet, he walked in and to talk to me and started puking in the sink.. Could this be my perfect man??
i hate that you can chart my weight gain through my facebook pictures.
I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
why is there a sandwich nailed to the wall
Puked in a cab. Passed out on my floor an my mom put a blanket over me. Home by 1045. I won shitshow trophy last night.
I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
He still lectured me about forgetting shit. Than he said he's gonna paint me green so I can stand in a corner and be a plant.
Got a stripper to howl at my wolf shirt.
Just so you know swallowing does not help chest colds. Your Phd can suck my dick
I'm the fucking queen of sexting. I just made a blowjob sound so poetic I'm wishing I were a guy just so I could blow me. Learn from me.
you can only text me tonight if its in drake lyrics. thats the rule
I can't wait to shower all this regret off of me
Went home with a guy last night with Taco Bell sauce in my hair and on my pants
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
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