One of my boys faked an orgasm while fucking a girl tonite, w/ out wearing a condom mind you.
She caught him, and immediately put her clothes on and left.
our cab driver is having phone sex.
Dude, totally just found out that I've been washing my hair with semen for the past 3 weeks.
So I had to explain to her that pussy doesn't mean a cat
As I was leaving the drunk tank the cop told me he had a feeling we would be meeting again real soon.
They asked if I wanted to shotgun a beer and before i could ask who had a knife they all had bit holes into the cans. Im never leaving Germany!
you started putting condoms on anything with a point, then you were yelling at the lamp for using your last condom...
I woke up spooning my guard tube. Tell me I'm not the most dedicated lifeguard ever
What can i say, i'm an artist. I think deep thoughts. In between the homoerotica and pterodactyl noises
They should incorporate dolphins into professional surfing
I'm in his bed. I got up to puke. Im one eyeing it eating a hot dog bun. Wtf. This is my life
I'm running late...how do you explain period shits to your boss?
Sarah was butt-chugging wine and diarrhea'd all over the wall
Have you ever gotten such awesome underwear you wish you didnt have to wear pants?
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
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