ps i may or may not be wearing a sequined bra
I like the name aiden. he likes stella. I told him they're coming out of my vagina, and I will name them what I damn well please. Stella goes.
You know your in college when you decide house chores with games of beer pong...
DUUUDE!! just found out that the fbi has a kids page. guess who's got a new jumior officer printout badge?
Cop gave me a ticket for public drunkedness, and then I convinced him to drive me back to the party
I need to be more functional. That doesn't mean I'm going to drink less, I just need to wake up and shit
apparently while i was high i thought that putting a dinosaur temporary tattoo on my inner thigh would keep me from taking my pants off and having sex with him...
...it didn't...
I work 80 hours a week to prevent myself from just laying in bed and masturbating all day. It's a hands off strategy.
Last night was just a whirlwind of Mario Brothers and sex.
I literally just woke up in a dog bed, in a bathtub in someone else's house...and I'm not wearing pants
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
Dude, no, you tried to sleep on the stove. I mean. You were pissed when I stopped you... but I couldn't have you catching on fire in my house.
If we're going to communicate going forward, you'll need to be versed in Gillian Anderson.
I discovered moonshine and fell in love.
my roomie eats chipotle far too often. when i was looking for a bag to throw up in I had my choice of a wlamart bag and 10 chipotle bags
Randomize
