I seriously need 2 stop fake jacking off in peoples faces at work...the I.T. Guy just showed me the security surveillance tapes.
had to check his id this morning to remember his name.... i was wayy off
how do i tell her that i need alcohol to fuck her but at the same time i cant get a hard on with alcohol.
Is there any chance I can see you without pouring vodka on your head?
Where are you, who is in my bed, why is he wearing a spandex onesie as underwear, how did i get teethmarks on my forehead, what are we doing tonight?
The beer-amid has reached five feet. Caitlyn has a taser. GTG
I woke up with a black eye, bruised knuckles, wearing women's clothing, in a house I did not recognize, next to a solid 9. Thank you for making 21 special.
how do you casually eat pancakes with someone after they send you an unsolicited dick pic?
you don't. it's the point of no return for pancake enjoyment.
Had a dream I dropped the L word and immediately threatened to kill myself
You probably shouldn't be having nightmares about expressing affection
Ripping out my IUD in Dave and busters bathroom
Florida is balancing how much this place sucks with how many vodkas you can have to cope in order to still be allowed on the plane to leave
No my problem is I'm working and its a beautiful Saturday. I should be recovering from a hangover and out golfing. Fuck responsibility. I miss college.
He bought me pizza and bourbon and played scrabble with me. So naturally I slept with him.
I know you would. And one day, we'll have a moment where i'll verbally assault a stranger for you.
Nothing like having a family watch you dry heave at the end of the dock
Randomize
