Turns out "bordello" doesn't mean what I thought it did.
Do you want the good news or bad news first?
bad news
The bad news is i thew up on your bed, the good news is i found out who ate your cheetos.
I'm at the point in my career when i know a sites a trap and isn't real porn
my one-armed grandma is doing the YMCA. you figure it out.
I wish sober me loved running as much as drunk me...
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
I remember nothing of last night, but I did manage to figure out which frats I went to by the trails of straw across campus.
Nah, this is the University of Tennessee. She'll get the clap, and get busted for having pot in her dorm by spring break. This time next year she'll be part-timing at a community college as a nursing major. So predictable it hurts.
I'm turning twenty & the only honorable way to exit my teens is by slapping the fuck outta the bag. You better be in.
someone needs to name a hurricane after you
Apparently when the cops arrived I was standing over him in the bathroom yelling, get the fuck up you piece of shit. Beer still in hand.
Sexiest use of a semi colon this week, congratulations.
This makes me appreciate being single with no prospects.
I'm going to smell of sex and shame.
How is that different than any other Monday night?
It was horribly awesome. Its like looking at the sun, you know its bad for you but I just couldn't stop looking.
Randomize
