I love hooters. This dumb bartender is saying how coffee dehydrates you so that's why she sometimes just eats the coffee grinds wake up.
I just sneezed everywhere.....everywhere. Now no one will talk to me.
Old men and throwing up are my life now.
I just found her phone in the quesadilla maker...
After he convinced me that my friend had died and come back to life, I decided I was having sex with him that night, and that I should lay off the drugs for a while.
Well he has a girlfriend. So I told him that I wanted to have sex way more than I wanted to be a decent human being.
Wake up. We're going shopping for booze and samurai swords.
They don't even know who I am but they just woke me up with maracas and invited my boobs to a kegger
I need something for rope burns and an inner ear infection. Separate incidents, FYI..
So his 25th anniversary post of love to his wife was almost verbatim what he said to me last week. Does that mean I win or lose?
what better way to celebrate the birth of jesus christ than to get embarrassingly intoxicated and make poor decisions!?
You were trust falling into bushes
YOLO is a great motto until you end up with Chlamydia
Btw I appreciate you as a friend for taking the time to validate my sluttiness
college girl with braces trying to flirt with you...time to go
Randomize
