When I got to his place, he served wine and cheese and made me sit on the balcony while he read his poetry to me. He cockblocked himself.
repeat this after me. period at the beach is better than baby at the beach. breathe. and: period at the beach is better than baby at the beach.
it's all just a bunch of faces and i remember what the floor looked like.
Its what jesus would do if there were bud light in his time. I feel obligated.
Omg. One night stands are not supposed to show up to your swim class the morning after. Worst lesson ever.
If anyone from work finds out about us I will rip your dick off, sew it to your forehead and feed your balls to you like little grapes
I have a new favorite bar game. It's called, get dressed up and go drinking alone then make up random stories of why you are alone to look less like an alc
I just look @ having a child spit on you as another form of birth control. I think my ovaries just tied themselves in a knot.
My dad just bought me a 40. I consider this our peace treaty.
Oh my lord it is too early in the morning to be that horny freak
my vagina doesn't wear a watch
Why did I wake up with BYOB sharpied on my stomach
I put on that one song on Titanic so he'd fall asleep. When I was positive he'd passed out in a drunken fit, he outstretches his arms and says "I'm flying, Jack.."
Why are you naked at 4pm?
Its my birthday, I dont have to wear clothes
Should I be concerned that he called me mom when I got in bed on top of him?
So this ukranian guy got angry and took his clothes off. Now he has my credit card and I can't find my keys.
Randomize
