I really like you and I'm tired of just hooking up. I want you be my boyfriend.
Uhh, I'm not breaking up with my girlfriend to be with you.
Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
She's got an ass you could write the declaration of independence on in one line. Takes up three bar stools.
Are you with Adam and his vodka?
Yeswdsssss I masde his pickle gi away ans he go anbnoued
He asked me how my body knew that a month was up when it was time for my period.
dude, she masturbates with a ken doll.
Don't freak out about the couches in the driveway. We tried to unpack the uhaul drunk.
He just told me that when we were doing it I told him I was the captain and he was the boat. Im too embarassed to ask for money for a cab.
her best friend is in town and she told me that they used to fool around when they were drunk and I'd have to "help keep that from happening"
you motherfucker
Just saw you drinking out of a flask on national tv. I've never been more proud of you
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
I think there's an ice cream truck out back, but there's no way I can get pants on in time to catch it
He even wore it to bed. What the hell. He's too excited about that goddamn costume.
She asked for references to decide whether she wanted to have sex with me. And she was serious.
Finally fucked my buddy's mom!! We are both ten years older and for her it really shows but i hit it!!
Randomize
