fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
Marriage: a sacred union between one man and one woman, and another woman in Argentina.
We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
even iPhones love lady gaga. everytime I type haha it trys to correct it to gaga. this is bullshit...
Our whole friendship has just been time foreshadowing my dick in your mouth.
She found my wedding ring, sallowed it and wished me good luck explaining it to my wife before walking out. Now what?
Try not to get arrested for it, but otherwise i support you
He's CUTE. and foreign
Dude I'm about to just roll over and piss off the side of my bed, rather than make the conscious effort to get up and walk to the bathroom. One of those hangovers.
It's a "nonproductive" (vocab word) cough. It's like a constant tickle in my throat, like there's a little elf with feathers for feet going Gangnam style on my "uvula" (vocab word).
Its like a match made in avoid-eachother-because-we're-antisocial-and-awkward heaven
I'm confident that their children would come out as 100% authentic rats
He got hit with a horseshoe, set on fire, fell out of a tree, and puked all over the side of his car, all before midnight. Everclear.
Definitely broke my toe and messed up my knee walking back. Drink hitch hiking should never happen again.
He slapped my ass... He best ask me out. Or figure out how to unslap my ass.
Who loses their virginity to fucking Flo Rida
Randomize
