New discovery: doing the Helen Keller is not as attractive as I thought it would be, in reference to the sex noises.
At dinner I grabbed his hand and he screamed "mom she just grabbed my penis" the proceeded to shove my hand down his pants! Hello Mr.Dick!
i want to cheat with him just to show his girlfriend what a terrible person he is.
She handed me a mouthguard and said "here, you're going to need this" that rough.
Have thirty minutes until my shift starts. My heart says liquor store but my future says no
He blew a load on his roommates pillow just to piss him off. Why did you introduce me to these people?
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
Like not in a "I wanna have sex with you way" more like a "I wanna cuddle your mustache way"
I spent the whole party making out with some guy. He wasn't that cute but six of my sorority sisters are fighting over him so I had to do something..
It started out as friends with benefits and now I'm picking up her kids from daycare...what has happened to me
Had a turkey baster with clean pee in it in my pants to pass a drug test, and the bottom fell off, so yeah I'm pretty pissed.
i refuse to give everyone the satisfaction of seeing the results of my acting on my thoughts
okay we need to get tested.
no YOU need to get tested. I'm just going along for the ride.
You're right. Cause really... I'm in the back of his head. Even though what I said was better than "I have herpes"... I did once say that to him. So I'm like a reoccurring nightmare.
I'd invite you over to drink but then I wouldn't be drinking by myself.
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