i think you're the only person in the world who masturbates to food network.
No its cool, because I bought a handle of tequila earlier, in case things went south
Im in his room watching him sleep. Im going to try and jerk off and not get caught by the nurse.
He makes this seasoned whore feel like a novice. I've met the one.
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
I feel like I have heartburn in my nipples.
You know he really cares when he gives you one of those on-the-go toothbrushes for your walk of shame before running to work
the fat lady is now rubbing her stomach and staring at me. I hate trains
Did your surprise acid trip turn out well?
What's your ideal size in a man?
I just asked if you could cover my shift tomorrow......
Good news: you're over the drunk crying life phase. Bad news: now you're handy and violent. You were groping me from behind in front of the guy you like, then you put me in a headlock and swept the leg.
i tried giving myself a bikini wax.1. i hate you 2. i think i'm dying
Fyi - we're going to be eating those sandwiches in bed when you get home.
HELL YEAH TIME TO KICK THE CHILDREN
And then she proceeded to tell us that blowing your brother made her feel like part of the family. At this point you were still pretending to be a cat. Need I give another reason she can't live with us?
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