I think my guts just had a chinese fire drill
I'm sitting here watching a kid lick a basketball- where have i gone wrong in life?
Just found out I have to work new year's eve. It's like one final 'fuck you' from 2009.
I'm glad my gym is open 24 hours..I stopped in on my way home to puke from the bar
positive spin of the day: since my nose is blocked from allergies cleaning the puke this morning was much easier
I have tardy slips. and absent slips if you don't show up to the bar. and trust me, if you are absent there will be a saturday school. I'm teaching you how to drink tonight.
Peeing off the roof of a motel lighting a cigar with matches and speaking fluent spanish with a chilen exchange student...how do iget into these situations?
nothing can ever be as bad as the night i blacked out, updated my fb status to i need a pity fuck and then passed out for 13 hours.
It's like, "you literally have no idea who i am but i definitely slept with your brother in your bed."
GUESS WHO GOT ABSOLUTELY WASTED LAST NIGHT AND SPENT AN HOUR RAMBLING ABOUT KRAFT DINNER, HOCKEY, AND THE LAST TEMPTATION OF CHRIST
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing
Your slutty phase was the highlight of my year.
i told him the only way i'd fuck him was if he saved me during the zombie apocolypse and took me to a tastefully decorated yet impenetrable hideout.
FYI - Don’t go in the downstairs bathroom. Ryan is passed out naked on the floor with a raging hard on.
The pandemic has not made Uber drivers any less chatty.
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