felt a little awkward waiting for my McNuggets after vomiting all over the counter
my bf wants us to fuck our way into the new year.. how original..
We waited til after. Not even drunk sex felt right during a Disney movie.
These margaritas aren't just going to regret themselves.
No, you don't understand. If the words "stop," "alcohol poisoning," and "regret" aren't in the same sentence by the end of the night, I will have failed this birthday.
Called my ex last night, told her I wanted to bang like we use too, her fiance was in the car, I was on speaker phone. NO MORE TEQUILA!
Did she say Ok?
I cannot even describe to you the most amazing ass I have ever had the pleasure of seeing walk up the stairs in front of me just now.
you stuck pieces of bread to your face with peanut butter and asked if it looked like you had a facial yeast infection.
ohhhh that's why they asked me to leave...
just imagine me sitting naked on a toilet with a fully-clothed dude i havent seen in 2 years, trying to make normal conversation except that im covered in blood and he's helping wipe me down while i try not to pass out because blood makes me NERVOUS. And he's apologizing and i'm apologizing.
I think we have it figured out.. She's my wife when she's here and gives me advise on how to get ass when she's 1500 miles away.
My vagina has a mind if its own. Can you imagine if I didnt have you to run her ideas through.
Does the term "on fleek" apply to dicks or just eyebrows?
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
i'm not so sure everythign we did last night was legal...
Apparently my hair turned out really good because I got my butthole licked by a stranger last night
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