Heybabeimwearingurpanties
Big sunglasses are the new paper bag
ya. and they're way easier to confince girls to wear during sex
she keeps The Day After Pill in her bra... there is a God.
Just found a dugout in my rental car glove box. Suddenly my mood is upbeat.
i have my own cum on my nose right now. don't talk to me about "embarrassed".
the spit in my mouth is still 99% not mine.
she walked in on me snorting my prozac. there was no way to convince her i was doing a good thing.
I just watched a girl in the library pull a vodka bottle out of her bag. I think I'm going to give her my number.
She ate the cookie then went to the emergency room. Now her fam is pressing charges. Don't people understand you DON'T steal baked goods from potheads??
i'm too drunk to leave my room. poked my head out like a turtle and everyone knew i wasn't sober. i like it better in my nonjudgmental turtle shell anyway.
Well for starters the people who just made my burger at the grab and go just told me to "hang in there"
Would "deck the halls with penises " be an appropriate event title? I know peni is the plural but flow of the tongue as well
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
i pushed adam in a shopping cart for 15 blocks, then we realized we left tyler downtown
did you go back and get him?
nah we went to a karaoke bar instead, so worth it
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