Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
There are Star Wars cutouts in his basement. Obi Wan Kenobe watched me give him a handjob.
you say it like running around in your thong wasted is a bad thing
The amount of my urine my roommate has consumed after I found out he's been eating my food almost offsets how angry I am
I stole another quarter from the bathroom. I'm slowly getting rich drinking here.
Edward fifth and chaser hands
there are teeth marks in the soap. why are there teeth marks in the soap.
I like how he had to correct himself in stating that I was the fat one in the threesome.
What kind of gift says: "I love you because you're my mom & I'm obligated to, but I don't like you" ?
Lets play a game called: how out of it are you today? Let me know if you can beat driving on the wrong side of the road twice and walking up two extra flights of stairs just because you weren't paying attention to what floor you are on....
I just fist bumped God in my head for last night. What a bro.
The best part of Easter was watching all his colorblind cousins try to find the eggs.
This is a question I thought I'd never have to ask. How many hits of acid did you give your dad tonight?
Even in drag you're still better looking than your sister.
It doesn't matter how nice the shirt you wore to the bar was, you still shouldn't have worn it to a job interview
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