Already got asked if we're dating
Yo, my girl thinks she's pregnant, so I've got a DD for the wedding. Sweet.
Two girls down stairs, two girls up stairs and....
We've got ourselves a situation
I knew his night was already over when he started marking lines on the bottle and setting goals
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
there's a guy pushing a keg up the street in a shopping cart. you have to love graduation
I hope you realize, I'm counting on you as my wingman next semester. It's your turn to advertise another man's penis. I did my tour all freshman year.
He waited until after foreplay to tell me that he didn't have a condom and "we" would just have to settle for a bj tonight...
You need a twittervention. You're better than this.
I like to get drunk just like anyone else but not to the point of sticking a rubber tube up my asshole
First you say "it can't get any worse" and the next thing you know you've shat yourself on Christmas Eve.
We don't have paper towels so I microwaved a spinach/egg sandwich thingy wrapped in toilet paper. Toilet paper. so that's how my day started.
Dude she's from Moscow. I feel like I'm cheating on America.
Just woke up with the taste of tequila, weed, and cigarettes in my mouth spooning a friend I haven't seen since college wearing one contact and one ankle sock. I hate myself.
Why did two squirrels just run out from behind the couch?
About that.
Randomize
