You had a beer at 10:30 this morning?
Ya, I didn't have any Tylenol.
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
Hes still mad that I left the room mid-hookup to go get a pickle from the fridge.
She's walking around topless with a bottle of red wine, crying and singing showtune ballads. This is actually an improvement.
After four attempts, his condom would not flush. I had to remove it with salad tongs.
Uh yeah. I ate a brick of cheese. Didn't even cut it. We were admiring the teeth marks I was leaving. We decided it was the negative of my mouth
my vagina hasn't met your boyfriend yet ... makes me sad
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
For sure. I'm slow cooking a 6 pound pork shoulder wrapped in bacon. If that doesn't scream "guys I'm going into culinary arts lets get drunk" I'm not sure what does.
one of these days i'm gonna do a sparkly magical girl transformation into snoop dogg
I just laughed so hard that my back cracked so hard that I thought I was cumming. Magic
THIS IS AN AMERICAN HORROR STORY I CAN'T FIND MY VIBRATOR ANYWHERE WHICH MEANS I LOST IT WHEN I MOVED WHICH MEANS MY POOR VIBRATOR IS OUT THERE IN THE WORLD ALL ALONE RIGHT NOW WHAT AM I GOING TO DO
we had to invent a new word for how drunk I was last night
IM HAMMERED AND JUST HAD CHEESECAKE THAT MADE ME FEEL LIKE NO MAN HAS EVER MADE BE FEEL BEFORE.
Don’t be alarmed my pee bowl is in your shower
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