I bet when she looks at herself in the mirror she wishes brown paper bags were in fashion.
I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
Do u think I can claim pregnancy as an accident so my insurance covers it?
his Mom's staying with him so he asked if I'd go over and fuck in his shed. he said "it's a really nice shed"
she just took adderol and chased it w dog water
I don't think my arm is broken I can still text
She called to say she's single and blow job season is back.
He passed out naked in my bathroom, then took a shower, then passed out again and then took another shower. Last time I let my brother visit.
I just stood on my roof naked pouring vodka onto my garden. sweet dreams
Fell asleep with Kristen and woke up with Sarah. It's official, vacation has begun.
Because bro, I don't want your dick being touched mid conversation.
Like, what do you do with girlfriends? Buy her dinner and just like leave?
we should get together and get drunk.
On a Monday?
don't discriminate against mondays.
Next time we do shrooms i am finding an open field at sunrise and running through it and nobody is stopping me this time!
That chick keeps sending eggplant emojis
Welcome to dating in the digital age. Better catch up now that you’re divorced
and eggplant is code for penis. It means she’s DTF. Go get her tiger!!!
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