remember when she hit me with her car by accident, well apparently it wasn't an accident.
apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
I heard from anne today. She has a broken collarbone and is knocked up. Apparently florida is awesome
Hurry there's a dancing lesbian. She's a jumper and has impeccable jazz hands.
Housing is going to charge us for any broken dishes/glassware. Steal as many glasses as you can from the bars tonight. I got the baking dish and 3 plates covered.
I tried really hard to get you laid last night. And by that I mean I asked a bunch of dudes if they were top or bottom.
definitely not taking the whole return culture shock so well...drinking a 100 proof rootbeer vodka float out of a german beer mass
Watching the tv in the reflection of my phone cause I'm too hungover to roll over.... Yes it is 4 PM...
What color suit is the proper "i banged the bride" attire?
Just traded a shot of whiskey for a warm PBR on public transit. It's that's sort of night already.
Leave it to me to sleep w a guy who gets poison ivy on his dick
I'm finally in my bed, my pants are off, and there's no pee on my carpet this is the best life has been all day
As much as I trust your struggle imma deal with being Eskimo brothers with my own sister before I get to that
I slept with my wedding DJ..... I think this means my life has come full circle
Whatever douche. I sucked the dick that made you. I. Win.
Randomize
