I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
What do you think she thinks of us?
I think she thinks we're whores... but ya I think she likes us
apparently i traded the tiffany necklace my mom bought me for 2 shots and next in line for beer pong at the frat.
There's a girl n class drinking wine out of a taco bell cup. I can smell it.. it's totally reisling. JEALOUS.
he yelled "RELEASE THE KRAKEN" then hit me with his dick
Arguably, the best part was cockblocking those squirrels.
She tried to sit inside the drawer to my dresser and when it broke, she burst into tears calling herself fat. Too high to deal with this
Just put your hair in a bun. We're going out to drink, not to impress people.
When did I go from having sugar daddies to being one? And does it count as a tax write off?
I'm not talking about Donald Trump in the midst of sending you nudes
I found a used condom in my purse this morning. It was in there with a bunch of smushed french fries.
OF COURSE I FUCKED HIM! Did you not read the part about him having red and green Christmas condoms?
i dunno dude, he took his shirt off and is rubbing jello shots on himself. i think he's done
i found you passed out on the floor with a half-eaten pie. i figured youd be the last person to care if i went and banged your sister
Randomize
