I just threw up during my phone interview for the largest PR firm in the world.
She said my main job as maid of honor is to ensure the groom doesn't find out that each of his seven groomsmen has had his penis inside her.
there's a picture of him beating off in the library with a cowboy hat. please steer clear of this one if you ever want to be respected.
you missed kickoff and the first round of bodyshots. I suggest you get here now.
All I know is that we apparently made a drink we named The Single Girl which is rum, vodka, grain alcohol, and sprite and rolled around in the backyard.
Probably shouldn't have worn my jeans covered in blood from last night to class.
Well, when he's back from China he's probably gonna be pissed I used the spare key he gave me to prove to everyone I'm fucking an NBA player. We took all his booze too.
So last night I taught an old homeless dude to respond to "Blue" so I could shout your my boy Blue at the party
I feel like i'm walking on a never-ending field of baby sheep.
Whatever dude, just dont tell her your first impression was she looked like your cousin. no judgement here. just sayin.
I had a sex dream. With two guys. And my subconscious decided to put your dick on BOTH OF THEM. If there is a society where that does not mean "I cherish you" I do not want to live there.
My general physician told me i have the emotional capacity of a 2 year old, While he refilled my xanax prescription. That's service!
He somehow obtained a megaphone and managed to scare away the out-of-control house party—the house party that HE started, by the way— by pretending to be the police.
You're a disaster
Wanna date?
Well... Chad blew off half of his hand last night. We were able to find most of it.
Randomize
