Being alone has allowed me to flourish into a complete weirdo
you just broke rule number 1. If you can't lift her up don't date her
im sleeping in a hamic at a mansion. best hangover ever
Im eating the cereal I found in my pocket and drinking wine out of the bottle.
Uhg.. This isn't fair. I just want to have sex with you until i lose consciousness, wake up and start over... is that so much to ask?
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawnmower thinking of you
I'm at the point in my life where I'm trying to get guys I've fucked to give a ride to guys I'm going to fuck.
Have u seen my thong? Last time i saw it was drenched in vodka and on his brothers broken lamp.
Nah but tell him his boxers made it to the basement
We got way too high so we're sitting in the parking lot of the movies trying to figure out what bar to go to
Remember that time we turned a can of Axe body spray into a flame thrower?
I woke up this morning with my hand on his dick. That sneaky bastard.
Lol, maybe a little bit. I don't know. I don't keep a super keen memory log of dicks honestly.
i could have got laid, but instead, i threw up in her hair. you can cross that off the bucket list.
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
The neighbor just poured gasoline on his 2 brush fires and proceeded to shoot Roman candles at them 🤔
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