theyre doing shots to celebrate her boob jobs anniversary.
There's a Cowboys game and a Rangers game on at the same time...talk about Sophie's choice
I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
Eating this pizza pocket is like eating out god
there is a guy passed out on top of me and i don't know what to do. help if you're awake? was anyone anyone expecting someone? maybe he found the wrong room?
After the 3rd shot, she was running around singing, "Twinkle Twinkle Big Ol' Dick, on your happy place I'll sit" to your brother.
Put that bitch's torch out. She's been voted off.
So really what you're asking for is an allowance to not have sex on our futon.
I was sat at the table waiting with a glass of wine reading my book and the hotel staff gave me a goldfish in a bowl and said 'heres your date for the night' !
I dressed up as a "typical white girl" which meant I wore my yoga pants and uggs all night. BEST. IDEA. EVER. Most comfy halloween everrrr.
in other news i got caramel vodka poured on me. upside, i smell amazing
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
Is someone on their way here yet? I'm way too tweaked to be here alone
He just got out of surgery, almost died from shooting him self with an arrow.
He started humming a moment like this when I was taking off his pants.
Randomize
