I don't know where I am, but its a Goosebumps novel waiting to happen.
my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
I can't, I'm busy. I've been walking around Tokyo on google maps for an hour.
can you pick up eggs and chocolate sauce on your way home?
what kind of party is this?
the best kind ever
my mom found me this morning spread out like jesus sleeping on the living room floor. i had a piece of bread over my eyes to block the light out
She was so adorably desperate I didn't have the heart to tell her I wasn't a lesbian. So now She's making waffles, may switch teams over this.
It reminded me of the time my mother gave my Bailey's in my stocking when I was 14.
Yeah you fell over while you were peeing and you said "hold I'm, I'm still peeing"
dude, my ass and shoulder hurt from that kayak last night... note to self: wood planks holding kayak from ceiling do not also hold up a human being
There's a guy in here whose face looks like it would be perfect between my legs.
I'd rather blow Nickelback than be told he gave me gonorrhea. I'd even post it on Facebook for all of the world to like, share, and judge me.
Two big black bouncers picked you up and escorted you to the elevator.
I didn't even do anything wrong. For all they knew I could have been on the US Olympic Gymnastic team. Would they kick Gabby Douglas out of a bar? I don't think so.
I basically gave Miranda rights to the guy I hooked up with, jus so we were all clear what was happening
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
lol show me an arrest record and I'll drop my panties
Randomize
