There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
You realize it's finals week?
Ya that's the school's fault. St. Patrick's day came first.
My vagina has officially become a vortex for sexually confused frat guys.
I'm lost. Please come find me. I'm inside the I-270 circle somewhere. I can hear laughing.
I'm at this kids house trying to figure out if I pissed in his kitchen new years eve. Lmao, stop letting me drink.
Am I the only one that feels like there are hundreds of tiny people having a rave and stomping and kicking around inside my head this morning?
You just squeezed a person out of you and I'm drunks at 2PM. Our lives got traded and you know it and you're jealous.
we're meeting twins and drinking tequila. i love life
you owe me at least a beer for the services my girlfriend just provided for you
I'm sorry but the visual image of you suffocating on vagina is basically hysterical
What are the chances I get my period 2 weeks early just as welcome week starts. My uterus is conspiring with my dead catholic grandma
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
How drunk was I last night?
You tried to unlock a door with your dick. That drunk.
Not the explanation for the cock bruise that I was looking for.
you blew the guy with all the harry potter paraphanelia didn't you
I’m really regretting these suede pants.
Randomize
