i know they say sex burns calories but i think i actually gained weight from just lying there for the whole 2 minutes
I shall celebrate this moment with a beer conveniently located in the sock drawer directly to the right of me.
I just want you to know that were having pizza delivered to the emergency room
i'm way too high for it to be safe that i just discovered i have a fire extinguisher
I fucked a 6'7 Danish man. In the ocean. At 5am. Greetings from Florida!
I could really do without pictures of your asses in my inbox. That said, I'm extremely jealous that I wasn't involved.
you passed out while setting up your phones timer to time how long it would take before you to passed out.
I have managed to reach the 'after meth poster look' before lunch here...
Something must have happened, they started yelling truffle butter and you said we needed to leave NOW
She's still mad at me for saying she looked pregnant and not getting her chicken nuggets.
it's like that time i was drunk at relay for life. but with balloon animals...
Just looked at my bank statement. 9 out of 10 transactions on the first page were from 9 different bars. The 10th was for birth control pills at the pharmacy. I need to rethink my lifestyle.
Are you telling me right now that the weed man sexted you?
THE WEED MAN SEXTED ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Sorry I bailed on you yesterday. I was propositioned.
And you don't turn down margaritas and oral.
Im getting out of handcuffs then i'll give you a call
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