Almost peed between 2 cars...till I realized that it's daytime and I'm sober.
You walked away saying that you had to pee and you never came back. We found you an hour later in his roommate's bed. Under the covers. Still in your wet bathing suit.
This is like a relationship, I expect to be mind blown at least once a week.
Won't anyone wonder why I'm mute, bald, and wearing an eye patch?
I'm expecting you to come by soon and a magical night of sex and floating on clouds to follow.
No padding. I spent my whole summer with my nips out. October don't need that too.
RE-DICK-YOU-LUSSSSS
That's me emphasizing the ridiculous
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
I offered to give him "road head" while he played GTA 5. I think he will be more optimistic about date night in the future.
Aaaaand my mom is wearing jeggings...
I tried getting kicked out of my favorite bar. No matter what I did, I could do no wrong
Hey, you can never be fully sure you're straight until you jerk off to gay porn
I don't want to sleep with any other woman but you but I want to try this whole mother daughter thing that would be nuts
Got a blowjob while watching James Bond's "Octopussy." My 13 year old self would be so proud
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