Remember that time I came into your room after taking a muscle relaxant and we argued about what state has the longest coastline?
I hate bills.
Like ones you have to pay or people named William?
the best things in life are free. have that freshly fucked look and doing the walk of shame by HIS girlfriend.....priceless
I could make wine with my vomit
The only way im leaving this casino is in a golden chariot or an ambulance
its a saturday night. im home alone watching legally blonde, eating week old birthday cake and drinking milk out of the carton. so yeah im doing real well
noo you weren't that drunk. you just knocked the grill over and couldn't get the key in the door, so you climbed through the window. success.
Skip school. Seven hour blow job Plus Disney movies. Day of champions
We're not on Beacon Street anymore so now your argument about not peeing on the sidewalk holds no water. Whereas my bladder has holded every water.
Its like he woke the dragon, and the dragon is hungry for a good dick.
my mom tried to talk to me about my drinking, i somehow turned it around on her, now shes going to AA and I'm going to the bar.
Happy birthday and sorry I punched your friend in the face
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
I just told my bowl "sorry" for putting it down, because I thought I hurt its feelings. omg. I'm high.
Hey, um, after thinking about it, I decided I really don't want to use applying olive oil to your ass for your fissure as part of foreplay because... well... really? Just read that again.
Randomize
