my goal in life is to wake up with my underwear on
that shit musta been laced I laughed for two hours and everyone looked like penguins
scratch lunch, i just found about 7 more dicks drawn on my back
When the cops knocked on the door, he just knocked back and announced "house keeping"
merry christmas to all and to all I give the mystery rash.
We smoked a bowl, ate popcorn, and watched her lava lamp for an hour. it was a quality bonding experience
Taking shots of gin by myself out of TMNT glasses and chasing with bites of chocolate cake. AMERICA.
If it wasn't for the fact that I drink during my lunch break I'm pretty sure I would have quit this job by now
I just masturbated and watched youtube makeup videos, which was just an extension of masturbation.
My brother and I have had one conversation in the past like 3 weeks and it was about what it would be like as a sentient butt plug
He called me at 4 a.m. and wanted me to drive him to McDonald's then drop him off at home. It wasn't even a booty call, it was a fucking chauffeur call.
Pretty sure I scared her away last night by putting a vodka tampon in my ass
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
Maybe the "i killed someone" and "tequila makes my clothes come off" comments freaked him out.
Good morning beautiful! Wanna steal a cat this weekend?
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