we have pet lesbian snakes
Awkward is getting caught beating off in the company bathroom...
I hit a bug from across the room with my flip flop boomerang style. That awesome.
I found a fried uncrustable on the table from last night.
I never thought I would say this but I have to clean queso off my vibrator
Ive consumed more rum studying for law school finals than I did that time I fucked that fat chick in the back of VW Beetle. It's all ugly, but for different reasons.
I cannot start working out. If I start to look better, I'll ruin ugly women's chances forever. So, really...I'm doing them a favor...think about it.
Remember that night I drank a bunch of vodka, pounded your Jameson because 'you were a pussy', punched you in the face and ran off as fast as my high heels could go? It was just my Russian and Irish sides fighting for genetic dominance
I totally accidentally said "we don't go around hammering girls in the rear" in front of 132 5th graders today.
I cut myself stripping on your car. Probably a profession I shouldn't pursue
I need a priest, doctor, and therapist after this weekend.
You came walking in the backyard at 10am, in cowboy boots, a new shirt, and had no money,....we lost you for 15 hours....i think you just need a camera crew, or an assistant. IMPRESSED!
He was so drunk and proud of his 6-month-gym-results he actually made me touch his whole naked body.
I'm not asking for life coaching, I'm just asking if you know where I left my underpants.
if you want the landscaping job, the uniform is a speedo. no exceptions.
Don't ask but i need a priest, a calzone, a litre of gravy, and exactly 7 oreos
And a bag of nachos
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