I was amazed that you fell flat on your ass and still managed not to spill them drinks in your hands. Your getting good at this.
woke up with ski boots on and a kayak in my room... birthday successful? i'd say so
it's like, God thought about making her pretty then changed his mind at the last second
We hadn't had sex in so long that I started queefing and then I couldn't stop giggling... I think he's mad.
My mom woke me up in a bubble bath this morning.
Please tell me why your entire hallway smells like microwaved condoms.
I walked in her room to find her rubbing lotion on her face high as fuck.
Our relationship is representative of a cognitive bias that leads to bad decision making and misplacement of resources. So should we pick up some whiskey tomorrow?
Regardless of your intentions, deep throating a Twinkie is NOT sexy. You owe that poor cashier an apology the next time you pump gas.
WHY DID HE INTRODUCE ME TO HIS MOM? CAN'T HE JUST HIDE ME LIKE EVERYONE ELSE I'VE EVER DATED?@!
Matt is trying to convince me that we have a deal where if I show him my tits he won't do cocaine. Apparently we shook hands on it?
We’re leaving where are you
Hold on Toxic just started playing
I'm like a great zombie Jesus.
Almost gave the delivery guy a 34 dollar tip. That high
We hooked up and he sent me home with a plant and skittles lmao
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