I reminded them that I didn't puke and I cleaned yours up! So huh!
you tried to tell me that ice cream had no calories because they were "frozen"
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
his dick is like his red hair, amazing but useless
she showed up with nothing but olive garden breadsticks in her purse.
I have effectively turned laundry day into a drinking game.
He just asked me if he's allowed to flirt with me. That's how whipped he is.
I just sneezed weed. Kinda wanna try to smoke it.
I'm pretty sure you and I ate the entire Keebler elf weed workshop
He told me his cum shot melted the paint on his bedroom wall and asked if I want to see it
They flooded the bathroom and their version of cleaning it up was to throw our couch cushions on it. That's when I decided to chug tequila and go drunk bowling. So hitting the kid with my ball is really their fault.
I was originally going to go as fembot from Austin Powers
I wanted to have tiny guns for tits
I achieved the level of drunk I wanted even with the length of dress I was in..
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
If I could steal your goatee and hide it under my bed to keep your from wearing it, I would.
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