Eric said he heard us having sex the other night. He said i did a great job.
I just saw on the news, this guy tried to smuggle coke in a bouquet of roses... and to think I used to hate valentines day.
This kid is too lonely to be my drug dealer.
why the fuck are my pubes caked with bread crumbs?
You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.
Dave got tied up again. I'm done breaking into girls houses to cut him loose. At least before noon.
Will it be a clothes optional week when I get there? I have an amazing outfit of tattoos and toenail polish planned.
You told me you had two boobs that want to be naked for me. I'm just following up on your request.
Dude, that was like bongs ago.
There are many penises to be discovered and claimed tonight
We're like Lewis and Clark
I chased him for half a mile, lost him then somehow ended up at his house. Is that still considered stalking? I WAS drunk.
We're fucking and Lee Greenwood God Bless the USA comes on and he came. It was the most Roll Tide America moment of my life.
My ass is underappreciated
It's only 10am and I doubt my day could get much worse. During my 9am meeting I had to sit between my boss who I fucked for my promotion and the guy he walked in on me fucking on the copier
idk what to be more embarrassed/confused about, that i lost my underwear or that i woke up covered in fried rice
Randomize
