I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
I just got a rly sharp new razor and was shaving down there...
and?
RIP clitoris
We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.
I need to hang out with girls who make more mistakes
Dude she has the ugliest blow job face ever.
Also, ran into my neighbor across the street. He told me about scheduling his vasectomy. We are officially way beyond the acceptable point for asking his name again.
I plan on being naked for at least 2/3 of the wedding.
He would have to make magical things happen in my nether regions to actually make me vote republican.
Dude, I work in two hours. Unless you can find Chris Hemsworth and convince him to have a three-way with us, I'm not getting out of bed.
Any chance the bar is open now? Also who's wedding is this?
not sure if actually covered in glitter or just drunk
Got arrested last night. My cell mate just added me on Facebook.
I'm currently using a band-aid to cover my bar stamp from last night while I ask my professor for an extension. That's a sign of getting more responsible, right?
Thank you for being so charming, but do you have syphilis?
I think I fell in love last night
That guy had a face tattoo and was named Cheddar. Please tell me you’re kidding.
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