I just spent an unhealthy amount of money overnighting a full adult sized Trix Rabbit Halloween costume
Hey its bob the builder. Where did you go?
I just fucked a rockette. This would have been amazing a week ago.
as soon as his mom opened the door to let me in the house she asked if i would like a shot
it's gonna be a great weekend
Having skype sex with him in the lounge at 1:45am...THIS IS WHAT HE DOES TO ME
Petting the cat and listening to "you've got a friend". This is why I smoke weed. To make sense of situations like this.
i think smoking weed in a ladies bathroom on the beach with two dudes might be the shadiest thing ive done in a while
I don't know where he learned to eat pussy but I thought I was going blind
It's like... Even my horoscope knows I had an awkward threesome last night.
I just had sex in the men's bathroom of a Chinese buffet...
YOU ARE MY HERO
The worst part about being a grammar Nazi is all the porn I skip over because the titles are misspelled
I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.
Spopky scrzy skeletonssz
i love how you just walk into that dealer's house every time without knocking, yet you don't even know his name
Actually just remembered that solo cup full of scotch that random guy gave me for not farting on him. That's probably why
stop falling asleep in the bathtub. you are not a movie star, you cannot die that way.
Randomize
