I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
tonight, alcohol would be proud of us
I wish guys would just cum water 'cause you don't have to worry about being pregnant and it'd be like a squirt gun fight
every single kid we've ever known, every single person we've gotten blow jobs from, every single person we've hit home runs with... is at dennys right now
She thought someone was breaking in but when I said it was me she got even angrier and threw a coffee mug at my head.
What started as a "classy" double date ended with Jeremy and I tripping our balls off and talking to the refrigerator while the girls cried on the couch and questioned where their lives were heading.
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
Are you doing trivia tonite? Also sorry I peed on you.
I had a meltdown and you quoted Puddle of Mudd to me
I wouldn't hesitate to give up my job to have regular bowel movements again
I just realized, you're dating a guy named Jameson. That is another level of whiskey dick.
I have only made 3 good decisions in my life and getting really stoned reenacting the Lion King with my cat in a lion mane hat is 2 of them.
Yah. Then he started clapping my boobs together in his hands and started shouting "the seas are angry!"
Yeaaaaa...im super disgusted with myself lol...which is interesting, considering all of the things I have done in my life...
she said a prayer for the pipe you broke. she did the sign of the cross and everything
Randomize
