Watching that soccer game was like getting kicked in the crotch for an hour and half and then coming right at the end.
It's chlamydia! Thank God!
After grabbing my boob for a couple minutes he then decides to ask me if I was awake.
Apparently I grabbed her ponytail and cut it with an exacto knife.
We literally played a game called pass the child which consisted of us shitfaced tossing the 5 year old birthday boy at each other
Also I think he would slowly, painfully, die. You really can't live without a penis. You'd explode.
Dude I just ripped my new jeans climbing out the window so his booty call wouldn't realize I was home. Being his roommate should come with hazard pay
I feel my soul being ripped out of my eye sockets
You wanna get laid? Be a female for once and stop bending nails to impress guys.
He had to put the child locks on the windows so you would stop screaming at random boys
She found the planted magnum condom..once she figured it out it was too late.
Just an FYI i'm going to get drunk as shit while you are on duty and attempt to not fall into the bathtub again.
Rodger that.
I went out with a plan. I came home with a Brian. THIS WAS NOT PART OF THE PLAN.
CODE RED CODE RED MY VIBRATOR IS BROKEN THIS IS NOT A DRILL
Today I made my parents proud-spent the afternoon floating around in their pool drinking beer-which I would ask my nephews to get for me out of the fridge
Randomize