my ass just sighed. even my farts are tired.
I just puked in the mop bucket at work. I think I need to go home.
Just learned the hard way that dicks can bruise the back of your throat to the extent that you cant eat. You're dead to me.
Someone just asked if you were the one who rode around the bar on some girls back
This girl did not understand, once police sirens go on, road-head needs to STOP
So last night ended up making out with a girl going to jail on sunday...she wrote down her address so I can make conjugal visits...
I have a surprise for you
Is it drugs? I want drugs. Or a puppy!
I am too high to deal with coming home to 11 naked people in my living room
Yeah if I don't text back. I'm eating. sleeping. Or lifting. Or drinking. Or playing call of duty. Like shit man
if becoming an adult is chugging a bottle of wine in your bed and crying about your stresses while your dog watches you, sign me up
Got to use the phrase "sweet pukas dude." My day is made.
I made a White Russian but saw how early it was and decided to substitute it for milk in my lucky charms. This is what it means to be an adult.
I'm so happy for you. But I still have to shave because a woman has needs and this woman needs an orgasm.
Sorry you ended up in detox. It's not my fault you decided to walk downtown in only your underwater at 3am. I think the tequila took over.
Dont care about too tired for sex, thank you for leaving your laser pointer. I have now determined both my cats are stupid.
Randomize
