I realize now. I should have just made out with everyone and anyone when I had the chance.
I think it might be brain cancer. Hangovers can't be this bad
She came over and gave me a handy and then just lingered for a day and a half. Worst weekend ever.
Im only pretending to be his friend so I can sleep with his girlfriend.
The blackout version of me left a ransom note to the sober self. Somebody needs to control that guy
She said pants are for pussies while spooning peanut butter onto her frosted flakes with a serving spoon. She's not even high yet.
Be my booze princess bebe. I'll rescue you from the lame tidings you are confined to up in the sober castle.
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
I got high and had sex with reindeer antlers on. It was magical and animalistic. Tia the season.
now that we broke up we are playing hot potato with the cock ring.. Poor thing just needs a home
is that a dick in a sweater?
Thank you for coming with me today. I find it appropriate that we celebrated my negative pregnancy test with slurpees and donuts.
Is it sad that I just pissed sitting down so I didn't have to stop eating doritos?
I text the word "masturbation" so much, all it only takes my iPhone to auto-spell it is for me to type "mas".
you yelled, puked and cried then passed out in the fetal position in your underwear
Randomize
