I went from sexy to sloppy in a matter of minutes
I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
Also thongs make me have to fart a lot.
Last night, you attempted to motor boat my vagina then proceeded to blow raspberries on it. Don't ever do that again.
she texted him the burrito order while she was puking in the Del Taco parking lot...
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
time for a it's-monday-night-and-this-week-is-gunna-suck-drink.
I don't know what he sees in her. All I see are horrible pancake nipples
I was relieved after I found the unopened condom in my pocket. Then I found the open one in the other pocket..
speaking of creep .. love how I kept touching strangers faces at the bar ... and saying "Don't worry I'm a dermatologist"
Thing I actually said tonight: "I want to achieve Ultimate level drunkenness, I'm only at Champion"
I'm reliable. I always make it home. I always throw up in the street too.
In my defense, I haven't stolen anyone's clothes yet.
Yeah, that's a plus.
you made cordon bleu at 4am and declared you were Marshall Stewart
He made me watch a sex tape him and his gf made. They were in the shower when her roommate walked in on them. Not kidding: she asked to join in.
I hate him. He gets laid, my dick gets laughed at.
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