"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
The drunken tricycle race really added some class to the Tour de Franzia. Until everyone wiped out and started puking.
I hope so. I just start to question my lifestyle when i pee on coffee tables
An attempt at squeezing a tomato to make a bloody mary just says desperation all over it....
chugging beers on the train. people are staring. I would be offended if it wasn't 8:30
She's like an enigma, wrapped in a riddle, tossed in miller light, inside a question. Nobody can explain a Heather.
I think now I understand why people say my penis is pretty.
Did you send me a snapchat of your sister triple kissing two other girls?!!! You might be the greatest friend the world ever made
How many drinks/blunt hits do you think I could get if I wore an "it's my birthday" shirt
Plus i lost a button on my shirt and we got free drinks all night. Sorry I'm not sorry.
College has done two things for me. Given me the confidence to blow my nose in public and shit in public
I figured it out! The supermoon explains how I managed to have sex with 3 dudes in 3 nights without leaving the apartment.
I traded some nice guy at the bar ten bucks and a pack of cigarettes for his leather jacket. I'm pretty sure I win at life. Whoever is in my phone as Tyler Durden, I thank you.
G&T. Gin and tonic. GIN AND TONIC. GIN AND TONIC AND FUCKING LIME
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