my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
Through a series of unfortunate circumstances, I think I just sprayed lime juice on my vagina.
Studying for the exam.. Identifying the portraits using phrases like "large penis"
I'm sorry I kept calling last night when you wouldn't pick up. I'm REALLY sorry I sang "You Oughta Know" on more than 4 voice mails.
you're surprised the chick that fucked you for a free cup has herpes. i don't feel bad for you.
The guy in the American Flag bikini was telling the women he was disgusted at the amount of alcohol they weren't drinking. Then it got ridiculous.
Idk if you remember me telling you about him, but I gave him a hj under the stars. Kind of added a little disney aspect to the whole experience.
I'm so prepared to puke on walk of shame tomorrow that I'm putting a toothbrush and toothpaste in my purse the night before. And to think, my dad thought I wouldn't make it in college.
I cnant read. Cheetos goen. Help. Grt Cheetos.
You're dating a nurse! That's smart, you never know when you'll have a medical emergency. Probably liver failure.
is it too soon to tell him I'm available anytime for Christmas themed pity sex and I'll even wear a Santa hat?
If that orgasm indicates how the rest of the year is going to go, I need to buy rain boots.
I think I'm just going to go like every guy on tinder who has a jetski. I'm doing this for us, Summer is coming.
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
I'm in my math teacher's garage hiding right now because I fucked his son last night. It's fine
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