At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
soooo we both peed the bed last night...
It's like eating cereal and milk but instead of cereal it's gummy bears and instead of milk it's vodka.
Sometimes one must go to great lengths and make great sacrifices to get drunk. I willingly accept the challenge.
Second night spent with creepy guy. I either need to change his nickname or stop doing this.
When the cops come you probably shouldn't be poking cars with a stick.
remember.. you're not a homewrecker.. you're just creating options for him..
i woke up with 5 inch heels locked on my feet and my car keys missing. this is gonna be an interesting walk home
By the power invested in me i promise you hot wedding sex at my wedding.
you walked around drinking beer out of a plunger and telling people it was a goblet...
Idk you're asking me for advice on dating bro, after I told you I got a convicts number today.
I'm not sure what happened. There's a frozen waffle in the floor and he's walking around with a curtain rod and making planes out of bread slices...
My first hangover at work. I'm officially an adult.
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
Randomize
