About to do something stupid. You'll be my call. Bring bail money.
Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
Even DaVinci knew it was gay to draw the penis big. Thanks art history
he threw up on me, hugged my legged and then started laughing. when i asked him why, he said "it's like the sour patch kids commercials."
i gave you head in a backbend. if that doesnt say happy birthday i dont know what does.
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
I dont know what we smoked last night but I woke up and found out I started writing a book called White Trash Princess. Its the best thing Ive ever read
Had sex with the Irish bartender in Spain. So that happened.
I didn't pop out of a cake in a speedo with diagrams
In case that's what u were picturing
I saw a picture of a baby and it reminded me to take my birth control. Priorities
Dude come over...were drunk and I'm holding a T-shirt gun and discovered beer cans are the same size as rolled shirts.
My ex gave me head because she said she didn't enough when we were dating... Best ex ever? I think yes.
I told my mom that I might be hungover today so she needs to make me an omelet.. it happened and I'm happy
Hey this is your roommate. You know the one that let you have sex with her while you called out your exs name and cried?
I have no recollection of that. You must have the wrong number. P.s. your thongs still on the ceiling fan.
I’m torn. She’s crazy - like legitimately “Wear your skin as a suit” crazy. But her blow jobs and dirty talk are Pornhub quality!
Randomize