its like randi wears special contacts, but instead of colors they make her eyes say "I want cock"
the only compliment i could think of for this chick was that she looked 'moderately attractive'
One of my other friends found me and the dog in the back seat of this one guy's car....I don't even know
Last time we were that stoned we made a "everything you can fit in the blender" shake. Didn't end well..
I put a toilet paper roll with my number on it by his face... hooking up is not happening
Found trail of ibuprofen on ground. I'm like the intervention version of e.t.
The straight guy here is hot. He described himself as Christian grey without the money and my vagina fell out of my body
You asked the waitress what the corking fee would be on the Joose you smuggled into the restaurant.
TONGUES ARE JUST MEAT TENTACLES IN OUR MOUTHS OMG
HOW ABOUT I DON'T WAKE UP TO THESE TYPES OF TEXTS
He can keep it, but if he asks for anything else i'm just going to start pissing on things.
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
Well I woke up naked, with a santa hat on, and a bag of beef jerky next to me. So yeah, I would say it was a pretty successful trolley
having flashbacks of licking salt of your dick for my shot of tequila
To be fair, this is a tequila-while-rewatching-Benedict-Cumberbatch-as-Van-Gogh idea, so I don't know if it will hold up tomorrow.
If my vagina was a person it would have a bandage around its head and it's arm in a sling rn
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