did you mean anything you said last night? i just wnna know
no
believe me... letting the man that delivered you from your mother's vagina do shots off your stomach is really fucking awkward.
I should never bitch about not getting laid. He's begging me to come over and I'm saying no because I'm watching a Golden Girls marathon.
You're going to have to tell him your name isn't Ivor McTruckson eventually.
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
I can't wait for you to see these terrible photos I'm about to have taken with some stripper looking girls. I don't know what this photographer is thinking
On the one year anniversary of me loosing my virginity... thousands of people will be taking their pants of on subways all around the world
It's like a tribute to you being a slut
We ended not having sex. I didn't want to explain that I was wearing a Unitard because all my socks and underwear were dirty.
Love me.
GO THE FUCK TO BED IT'S 3AM I AM NOT TAKING YOU TO MCDONALDS.
Just for one nugget?
Its mothers day, andI woke up with 12 bar stamps on my face, holding orange juice and a box of tampons. This can not be happening
But college guys get to crossfade so there's that
No idea what that is
Like getting bent? When you drink and smoke together...
I'm 30 stop using your cool kids words
You know your night is done when the police confiscate your bra at high school basketball game
I just had to break into my old house and steal my sex tape. Good times. How have you been?
I just remembered I did the whole byebyebye dance at the bar
Drunk sex on a hardwood floor is never ever a good idea. Lesson learned.
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