Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
we have a love-hate relationship...we love having sex but hate waking up next to eachother
One of my students just said I have "big mommy parts". Even third graders know that my tits are too big. God I love em.
I knew the only reason I bought a smartphone was to play "You're Havin My Baby" on the way to cvs to buy Plan B.
I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE. I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE. I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE.
she puked as i came inside her. that has to mean something.
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
I just used a baby fork as a roach clip. I am totally the cool aunt.
Definitely just found that pen in the microwave. What the fuck.
Girl you know I'm an advocate of debauchery but you might wanna check yoself.
you know what? fuck you, fuck your nana, and ESPECIALLY FUCK THE BLACKHAWKS.
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
im on a boat
How did you get this number?
oh what is to come when my single life starts with a threesome?
I'm a peeled potato compared to her. I'm a peeled potato compared to anyone. I'm a peeled potato.
Are you high?
Randomize