So it wasn't until I came that he pointed out the glow in the dark plastic star still stuck to my forehead. Fun times.
Picking up third year law school girls is like MILF hunting for beginners
He caught a squirrel with his bare hands twice. Where do you find these people?
I want to celebrate with you...
There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.
Tell me right now I did the right thing by not fucking my sick gf at 3 am with her family home... Tell me my balls hurt for noble reasons.
you had me at cake vodka
We found him sitting in a beach chair in the basement storage room passed out. Idk if we should move him or pass the bowl around.
I think the moment I knew you were going to black out was when I told you how many shots you had already and you were shocked and then poured another one
You were naked with a chalice of Skittles vodka, singing along to Les Miserables.
I'm not sure what step "make amends" is, but my phone is on
The number of mornings I actually have to say out loud to myself "you must put pants on and go to work" to get motivated is...troubling.
Underoos and an IDGAF attitude: all you need to successfully win at life
(Underoos optional)
She is 6 months pregnant and gets more action at bars than I do.
Just shaved my balls on a moving train. By far the most dangerous stunt I've ever pulled
I forget how to act sober
Randomize
