good penises are hard to come by.... must be the economy...
There's an amish chick decked out in amish clothes on a cell phone staring at me.
Dude you called me last night to let me listen to you piss in a cup and drink it. Just making sure you survived
you know that saying beer then liquer makes you sicker, it should be beer then pickles makes you throw up alot, everywhere.
Bring your kids so they can distract our kids so we can drink beer in peace.
She was really sick last night--but i was too drunk to bring her chicken noodle soup after the bar, so went by taco bell and got her a chicken burrito instead
that would be two times in a week with two different guys.
they have the same name so it only counts as one guy right?
he just started chanting dark meat! dark meat! out of no where.
Dude, at this rate we're going to get arrested a second time tonight.
Good news, I found your other leg warmer. Bad news, I don't know if the pile of puke I found it in was yours.
Like you haven't hit rock bottom until you have had to throw your own turd out a window
It's just not St. Patrick's Day until someone pukes on your panties.
Woke up next to a slice if pizza. From what i can tell I tried to plug it into my phone charger. No more blackout wednesdays for this girl.
His wife isn’t coming to the wedding! I’ve got 48 hours to home wreck him. Gotta go, I have to shave my vajayjay and buy some really slutty underwear. Love you!
You really do take on your dog's personality she sounded like her pug breathing when we were going at it.
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